hissychick » Infertile thoughts

20 June 2004

hissychick — Sun, 20 Jun 2004 11:12:05 +0000

6 weeks 1 day. Not much to report, there has mainly just been seesawing emotions, tiredness, and a disgusting wretching habit when I am hungry/smell virtually anything in the last couple of days. At other times I feel like I am bursting with energy, especially after I go for a brisk walk. Wish my boobs would start hurting though. Did one of my reassurrance HPTs yesterday and wouldn’t you know it, the bloody thing didn’t work. No control line, nothing, zip, zilch, nada. What a waste of $$. Anyway, I found one of those cheapo HPTs in the bathroom cupboard and used it this morning. That lovely second line came up straight away. I have another three left, that’s one per week until my 9 weeks 4 day scan at the IVF clinic. Hopefully I will be able to break the habit after that…yeah, right. Have to go away for a work planning session this week. It’s an overnighter and I am not looking forward to it at all. I am going to have to carry a stash of food and surreptitously throw out any alcohol offered to me. Not to mention try and steer clear of all the smokers. That’s if I can stay awake long enough in the first place. This whole keeping things quiet and under control in the first semester gig is going to get interesting. I haven’t been on the boards for the last few days. It’s a bit hard to know where I fit in. It’s a culture shock to go from the AC and long term TTCer threads and into a ‘normal’ pregnancy thread, that’s for sure. I guess I will adapt, there are a few AC girls in there but it is wierd to be back with people who have TTCed and conceived both naturally and quickly. It’s also strange to not always feel very welcome back in the other boards..and so very rightly so..but still a bit disconcerting. I guess it’s because I had just become so used to being a cynical world weary TTCer watching other people conceive that I am not sure how to handle this new role of pregnant chick…after so much bad luck I just don’t know how to handle the fact that I have gotten lucky. I know I feel very cautious though, almost as if the moment I start to believe that it might be true it will be snatched away from me. Hooray for battle scars.

18 May 2004

hissychick — Tue, 18 May 2004 11:03:04 +0000

Ok I am going to start with one positive thing before I launch into what is becoming a bit of a regular theme in my diary, ie me depressed about not having a baby. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway…about a week and a half ago I got to meet Lucy (Elle) and her gorgeous little peach of a daughter Olivia as they were in sydvegas for a few days. Olivia is just the most beautiful little girl (that is saying something because I am not one of those people who thinks all babies are beautiful). And Lucy is just as lovely and amazing IRL as she has been first here on EB and then in our regular emails. We spent a fabulous afternoon across in Manly, just catching up over lunch and the ferry trips. When I see her with her little girl I am reminded why I should persist with TTC even though I am frighetened, disillusioned, depressed and scared. Even though I haven’t been on EB much lately I am very glad that it was because of EB I have met Lucy and Olivia.

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Now back to how I am feeling at the moment…black, blah and fed up. I cried during my U/S today, partly because it hurt a bit but mostly because it just hit me that I am back on the rollercoaster again. So many hurdles- getting to O, hoping the embies survive the thaw, hoping one survives the extra culturing to blastocyst, hoping it implants…and this in an ‘easy’ cycle. Which if it doesn’t work out, and i am convinced it won’t, means another stim cycle and all that entails. Must be the hormones after the clomid or something. Anyway…lining is good, estrogen coming along nicely, dominant follie is about 9mm so we have a while to go yet. Another blood test in the morning. Daily blood tests are such a joy. I just want a baby, not all of this crap.

2 May 2004

hissychick — Sun, 02 May 2004 11:01:54 +0000

CD 34 no hormonal alchemy in the boobs etc to let me know that AF is on her way. Unless my shitty mood counts. But then again, trying to stay all positive through this infertility journey simply wears thin at times. Stupid AF better turn up this week as it is time to get back on the rollercoaster. Oh joy…clomid to play havoc with my emotions, followed by waiting to see if my embies a) thaw and b) reach blastocyst stage. It’s going to do my head in. But not as much as having to do another stim cycle which I am sure will turn out to be the case. Because shit happens, the end…… I haven’t been posting on the boards of late, I just don’t feel I have many positive words of support to offer when I am in this type of headspace. You know, a bit bleak, a bit sarcastic, middle finger raised at the world to try and hide the fact that once again I am frightened by what’s ahead. Blah. I watched the report on the Sunday programme this morning about the “baby crisis”, you know, bad selfish career women delaying the whole baby gig and finding out that it gets a whole lot more difficult when they finally decide they want a little bundle of joy. I don’t know, women daring to actually want an education, what we should do is take ‘em out of school at 15 and pop them in the kitchen like the good old days. F*ck that. Not many words were mentioned about the blokes’ role in all of this. Why aren’t they committing to the idea of children at a youngish age? And are they aware that they too can have fertility problems? It’s one thing to take a group of twenty something women and give them the facts about the way fertility declines in your late twenties (something which is long overdue and should be emphasised to all women), but why aren’t they telling this stuff to men? To continue the cliche, ie blaming women for having babies/not having babies/fertility problems, next week’s installment is about IVF. What’s the bet the focus is on ‘older’ women and the challenges they face…. I am so pissed off. I am one of those dreadful university educated women with a decent career, yet I was going to be a mother at 26. I wanted that more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. But that was taken away from me along with a fallopian tube and now my DH and I are struggling with MF infertility and the heartbreak of IVF. Where is the Sunday programme about that? No….it’s far easier to blame women as a group for delaying motherhood rather than looking at the diversity of people who seek IVF treatment and realising that the decline in the number of babies in this country is not a black and white issue. I don’t know where I was going with that rant anymore. I am not even sure there was a cohesive line of thought in that one. Oh well, tough. It’s just one of those days…

18 April 2004

hissychick — Sun, 18 Apr 2004 11:00:34 +0000

It’s been a fun weekend…would have been perfect if Collingwood had won the football but you can’t have it all LOL Yesterday DH and I went to a uni reunion of sorts (5 years since my graduation ceremony). It was great to catch up with friends and it was such a beautiful day down at Watson’s Bay. Had a bit too much red wine to drink (how unlike me- yeah right, enjoyed a wedding that was held in the park we were at and was absolutely flabbergasted when my uni best mate/ex boyfriend apologised for being such a bastard to me when we went out seven years ago! All in all a highly amusing afternoon. DH and I then went to the John Mayer concert. Fantastic- he is so talented and delicious…and so is John Mayer ;-P We then stayed the night at a hotel with a fabulous big king sized bed, which was ut to good use! What can I say, I had just heard the aforementioned JM singing “Your Body is a Wonderland”, get me going every time LOL. It is so liberating being back to lurrvve making instead of active TTCing. This has been one of the unexpecetd benefits of our diagnosis I must say, or maybe not. When you are doing an IVF cycle the last thing you want is sex (is that a result of the drugs, or is it that you feel like you have handed that intimate aspect of your life over to medical science?), so inbetween you make the most of what you’ve got! My more positive approach to waiting for a baby continues, which freaks me somewhat, but it is so good to be able to enjoy time with my DH, and quality time at that. I guess I have spent the better part of two years worrying about what we don’t have rather than what we do. And I am not going to lie, I am sure I will feel that way again when we start our next cycle, and whenever another person in my life next announces another pregnancy…. But DH and I are doing what we can in this game of chance. Because that’s what it really is. People can delude themselves and think that they are in control of the baby making process, but no one ever really is. All IVF can do is increase our chances, it cannot guarantee a baby. Whilst that is scary, it has made me feel that we do have some control over how much energy we devote to the process of trying for a baby. If that makes sense. Anyway, got to quickly get this down because dinner is ready…we had our appointment with the doc, and once my period arrives we will get down to it again (which could be some time off, I am on about day 19 and my body is showing no signs of O). We are going to thaw our remianing three embies and culture to blastocyst. If any survive we will transfer one. This means we are not mucking around with transferring of embies that weren’t going to survive anyway. We have survived all the hurdles so far (doc told us our response in t he stim cycle was fabulous), this is just another screening process. I feel comfortable with this in theory (of course I will be devastated if there are no embies left and we have to go the stim cycle again, even if this is for the best). I will be taking a bit of clomid to ensure that my cycle is a little bit smoother as well. So there you go, all that is left for now is to wait- and enjoy life as much as possible in the meantime. I wonder what my moods/thinking will be next time i write?!

30 January 2004

hissychick — Fri, 30 Jan 2004 10:50:51 +0000

Feeling a lot calmer today. We’ve got to give this ICSI gig a shot, risks or not, because let’s face it, what other choice do we have?! It sure beats the alternative, just over 10 years ago my DH would have been told that he had bugger all chance of biologically fathering a child. I’m scared, my emotions are all over place, but if we get a precious bubs out of this it will all be worth it.

16 September 2003

hissychick — Tue, 16 Sep 2003 10:45:10 +0000

Well here I am 12DPO and have been spotting since 8DPO. Wow- a new record. Boobs aren’t sore, negative HPT at 9DPO. Today my temp started to drop. Now all I have to do is wait for the witch. Am I ever going to fall pregnant and have a baby? On a happier note DH and I had a lovely weekend away for our 2nd wedding anniversary. Even went quad biking across the sand dunes on Stockton beach (never again mind you as I am such a wuss). Just wish I could have given DH a BFP as a pressie. This whole baby making gig sucks.

20 July 2003

hissychick — Sun, 20 Jul 2003 10:42:48 +0000

Wish I could stop replaying the events of last year over and over in my head. Wish I didn’t have to go through with a laproscopy the day before the anniversary of my ectopic pregnancy when I don’t know what the outcome will be. Wish I didn’t want a baby so much that sometimes I think I am going to lose the plot.

19 July 2003

hissychick — Sat, 19 Jul 2003 10:41:25 +0000

Cheap HPTs really do know how to make a BFN clear and obvious. So far I have had the biggest BFNs possible- yesterday (CD11) and today CD 12. And to top it off it looks like i the spotting is starting to turn into bleeding. A 27 day cycle- how fabulous. I started celebrating yesterday with a couple of drinks- may as well continue today as it’s just not going to happen this cycle. I could just scream and cry until I am blue in the face, not that it would do any good. Today was the day last year when I first started to bleed in pregnancy and it went a*se up from there. Laproscopy here we come.

7 June 2003

hissychick — Sat, 07 Jun 2003 10:37:18 +0000

CD23 and i think I ovulated today- I think I literally felt O occur as I had these distinct stitch type pains in my groin on the left side at around midday. About bloody time! So frustrated though. Went to the pub last night after a tough week in which not much BDing occurred and decided a few drinks were in order because I was sad about O and stuff. Then I noticed EWCM so I SMSed DH and told him we should go home… Forgot to do my OPK and ended up doing one on the train at around 10pm (yeah I know I know, carrying a test and then doing it too late in the night in the bloody train toilets!). When I got home I looked at the test (I was a bit drunk) and it looked vaguely like a positive. Tried to hit on DH and he said “you look tired” and didn’t respond. So no BDing… My temp was right up this morning. I cried. DH apologised. We BDed anyway. I did another OPK at 10am. It was positive. Then I had the O pains around midday… Not sure what our chances are though. I have done some reading and I think it is possible to O on the day of temp rise. Plus I took my temp later than usual and had a fair amount of alcohol in my system.. Yeah I know I know, clutching at straws. I am just so over the whole TTC in that I am sick of the stress. So I am going to be extremely naughty and have a few more drinks tonight. Stuff it- it’s not like i am ever going to have a normal uterine pregnancy with a healthy baby at the end of it anyway. That happens to other people. Blah.

2 June 2003

hissychick — Mon, 02 Jun 2003 10:36:04 +0000

CD 18 and no sign of O- at all. No +OPK, no EWCM, nada, zip, zilch. Just when I was starting to feel confident that I may be getting a regular cycle. That’s it I am ringing the Gyn tomorrow….. I guess it could be stress- I mean what with the taxi and the cat and job applications and all. It just really sh#ts me because I was so determined to approach this cycle with a positive frame of mind. Could my subconscious really have an effect on my body? By not O this cycle I won’t run the risk of another ectopic a year after the first one? Hmmm this is gibberish tonight. I am tired and very unsuccessfully trying to write my second job app in two days. Bloody public service applications, you have to practically write a thesis of useless nonsense and that’s before the interviews lol Anyway I met a friend’s beautiful 4 month old daughter for the first time yesterday. Am hoping some baby dust rubbed off…. It’s funny, the mixture of joy and sadness that other people’s babies bring. Hope that one day DH and I will have our own. Sadness that our own little one should have been almost three months old now…. I don’t think I will ever be able to move on from the grief until I hold my child in my arms. What if this is never going to happen?