hissychick » Ectopic

9 August 2003

hissychick — Sat, 09 Aug 2003 10:43:45 +0000

I survived my surgery. Have to admit I wasn’t that brave and cried the whole time until they knocked me out. But the news is good- my left tube is clear! I only had a couple of adhesions which have been fixed up. But there are no blockages, no endo and my ovaries look good I cannot explain the relief of waking up to not much pain. No oxygen for twenty four hours, no drainage tubes, no agony. I now have another frame of reference when it comes to operations IYKWIM Here’s a wierd thing for you though. Apparently I had a corpus leuteum on my right ovary that looked like i o’ed two weeks ago which was when I had my period. It looks like I oed twice this cycle! Go figure…anyway next cycle I am chucking out OPKs, temping, the lot and shagging for Australia. I’ve gotta catch one of these eggs sometime surely Today is the anniversary of my ectopic surgery and you know what? I feel hopeful about the future. It may take some time, but there’s a good chance that DH and I will fall pg and it will be a normal uterine pg, especially now that I can stop worrying about what’s happening with my remaining tube. DH is such a sweetheart. Yesterday he bought me a present and when I opened it up it was a beautiful romper suit, bib and baby slippers. I said to him that I’d always wanted to start buying some beautiful things to put away but I’d always felt too superstitious. You know what he said? He reckons that we should at least have a few things so a little one knows that we’re waiting for them What a darling darling man… Anyway I better get back to resting this sore tum of mine. Here’s to you, future bubs. I know you’re getting closer with each day and I cannot wait until we meet. And thank you little one, for the time you spent with me and the strength you helped me discover. I will never forget you, you will always be in my heart.

20 July 2003

hissychick — Sun, 20 Jul 2003 10:42:48 +0000

Wish I could stop replaying the events of last year over and over in my head. Wish I didn’t have to go through with a laproscopy the day before the anniversary of my ectopic pregnancy when I don’t know what the outcome will be. Wish I didn’t want a baby so much that sometimes I think I am going to lose the plot.

19 May 2003

hissychick — Mon, 19 May 2003 10:31:08 +0000

BLah- time to update seeing as i have the chance. I am sick today and will head off to the doctor’s shortly. I think its a virus as I’m all achey headachey and vague. Just need to double check because our admin officer at work was in hospital last week for viral meningitis poor thing. So where were we? CD4 of another new cycle. I am starting to feel resigned to the whole process, as in I don’t think this is going to happen very quickly. That’s the really nasty sting about ectopics- just when you have started to make peace with the fact that you lost a baby, part of your body and very nearly your life you then have to face up to the fact that you have a big decline in fertility and an increased chance of another ep. Life just isn’t fair folks. Anyhow I will start charting again when I feel better as my temp is a bit up because I am sick which makes it hard to determine a pre O pattern. This month DH and I want to make it a bit more fun. Sure there are a couple of baby making days in there but why put the pressure on? Yeah I know I say that now lol Seriously, DH doesn’t want to feel like a sperm bank and I don’t want to get in the vicious cycle of feeling so uptight and then having very average BD experiences IYKWIM This cycle last year was the one where I got pg and that is playing on my mind. I would like to be able to have a bit more of a positive experience this time. Stop thinking Em- you don’t need the pressure arrrrggghhh! This month I will try and organise an u/s and a few other tests just to make sure the remaining plumbing is doing OK. I’m pretty sure it is, given that I have a relatively regular 30-31 day cycle nowdays but I need that peace of mind. I’m off now- too buggered to type anything else.

5 May 2003

hissychick — Mon, 05 May 2003 10:29:21 +0000

Hmmm while DH is away it must be time for me to do an update. Let’s see I must be CD 20 DPO 4-5. Due to work committments DH and I only got one really prime BD in the fertile window- CD15 (going into 16- it was late at night lol). So we are in with a chance….I guess. From the O pains I had I think I ovulated from my right ovary. This is the first time since surgery that this has happened. Makes me a little owrried though. Poor little egg had to try and find its way across to my left tube and I have a feeling that means our chances are a bit lower this month. It would be lovely to get a BFP this cycle though- if anything it would show me that this one is a clever little thing I am of such mixed emotions though. DH and I have been TTC for over a year if you include our pregnancy and recovery time when we couldn’t BD and so on. I was always worried I was going to have difficulty getting pregnant and now it seems to be true. I want to be positive, but its so hard when no one gives you any answers, like why it happened and what our chances really are of both getting pregnant and having another ectopic. It’s silly..but the other day I bought the latest issue of Pregnancy and Baby and there was an article on ectopic pregnancy. According to the article my chances of conceiving have been reduced by 50%. According to my sums, if an average healthy mid to late 20′s woman has a 20% chance per cycle, that means I have about a 10% chance. I may as well be in my late 30s! So not only do I have to keep grieving for my loss, the trauma is going to be prolonged due to TTC. I don’t think I could handle waiting another 18 months or something like that! Be positive, be positive. Anyway the other gripe I had about the article was the use of the word termination in relation to ectopic pregnancy by a girl talking about her experience. Wow that hurt. How dare anyone refer to it as a termination- I mean it’s not like we had any choice or that the baby was going to live….. Thank god I have a lovely work friend to confide in about TTC and its challenges. She is so caring and just listens- and I value her input because she had some difficulties getting pregnant. Plus she spread some babydust from our colleagues nine week old baby to me …I don’t know whether its just me but i can’t seem to feel as happy about people who announce their pregnancies who haven’t had problems conceiving as those who have. Does that make me a bad person?

4 April 2003

hissychick — Fri, 04 Apr 2003 09:24:22 +0000

I’m feeling a bit lazy so I think I will just paste in a relevant post. The only other things I’ll add are that my cycle is a bit out of whack. I had dark bleeding no cramps start on March 17 and then red bleeidng and cramps start three days later. The total time I spent bleeding/spotting was around 11 days. I couldn’t figure out whether my cycle was the first day of brown bleeding/spotting or the crampy flow which started three days later. I did my first OPK 14 days after I first started any type of bleeding (ie 2weeks after March 17= April 1) so I imagine my surprise when I got a +! Admittedly I was a bit freaked out because I was having pains in my groin and yeah…I thought it may be another ectopic given how long/wierd my period had been. Turns out they were O pains! Can I really be having a 28-29 day “normal” cycle after everything? Anyhow DH and I BDed on the day I got my + OPK..and it was really nice because we weren’t vieiwng it as BDing but rather it was a good old fashioned luurrrvve fest. So it’s only been the one lot pre O. I have had such a crappy stressful week of work trying to get everything organised before going on holidays and I also had a job interview for a permanent position so if this is going to be our month then baby, you’d better be a strong one aand ble to overcome all those stress hormones my body has been pumping out! *sigh* Wel at least i will forget the 2ww to some extent now that I am on holidays. Yeah right! Anyway must get back to cleaning/bringing washing in/packing. PS Oh yeah here’s the post:

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Hi everyone, I’d like to join you in the 2WW. Well there are a lot of new faces since I was last in here so hello to everyone I am yet to meet. It’s also great to see some old familiar faces Anyway DH and I are finally back and officially TTCing after what has been a very stressful time. For those of you who don’t know I had an ectopic pregnancy and I lost my right tube last August A lot of other things have happened since then which I won’t go into except to say it’s great to be back! I expect I’ll be on the TTC boards for some time given that I’m down to one tube and my cycles have been a bit messed up but hey you never know I think I’m due for AF around April 15. I managed to O on day 14/15 of my cycle which is unheard of for me (I’m normally a 32-35 day cycle kind of girl)…and it also means that DH and I only BDed once at the right time but it only takes the one time really doesn’t it? I got a bit of a shock because I got a positive OPK on day 14, was a bit surprised so I dusted off my thermometer the next morning and figured out my temp was as high as it used to be post O when I used to temp..and it remained high for the next three days! I’ve chucked the thermometer aside again-I hate temping anyway. I promised myself I wouldn’t get too obsessive at this stage (yeah right!) I am going down to Melbourne tomorrow for two weeks holiday so I hope i can keep my mind of the 2WW. It’s a killer isn’t it? I’ve blathered on a bit haven’t I? You’ll have to forgive me because it has been so long since I’ve been on this board lol Take care and good luck everyone

PS If any of you TTC’ers have also been through an ectopic I’d love to chat to you- it would be great to have a buddy who understands what it’s like.

10 March 2003- Due date

hissychick — Mon, 10 Mar 2003 09:17:33 +0000

Today was the day you should have been born into this world little one. But it never came to pass. Today I weep for you, I weep for the loss of my right tube, I weep that your Dad never held you in his arms, I weep because in the eyes of the world I am not a mother. I know that I am lucky to have survived, and that it is almost guaranteed that I will live to see my 27th birthday in just under two weeks’ time. However a part of me did die last August, and that part of me was you. I am not someone who can believe in simple notions of heaven and God and divine justice. What I do cling to is the fact that energy never dies it just changes form. My body tried to reabsorb your cells, so in a sense you are still with me. You left this world in the cocoon of my right tube, and in that sense I went as far on the journey as I could with you. That was my sacrifice for you. I am so sorry that I couldn’t give you life. You on the other hand were the one who gave their all to me and I want you to know my little one that you gave me gifts of strength and courage and (although I am frightened and despondent right now) hope. I will always remember you and cherish you, and love you. I bear the physical scars of your existence wih pride. You truly were formed from the stars and borne of a deep love between me and your Dad. Maybe one day we can meet again…….

5 March 2003

hissychick — Wed, 05 Mar 2003 09:16:35 +0000

The 10th of March rolls ever closer…. Oh little one sometimes I think my heart will break if i think about what should have been.

23 November 2002

hissychick — Sat, 23 Nov 2002 05:21:32 +0000

I am tired of the insane world in which we now find ourselves living. It’s amazing the fear that is now ever present when I am going about ordinary things. I am scared that I work in the CBD and catch a train that goes to Central Station. I now want to get Christmas and New Years Eve off work becauseI am frightened of what may happen. And all this because there are some truly insane people out there who are taking selected bits oftheir religion all too seriously. *sigh* Hmmm I broke down yesterday and had a really big cry about TTC with DH. It looks like we will now start trying again. I think that our desire for a child will help me conquer my fear of another ectopic. I like to believe that my angel wants to come back for a second shot at life in the physical realm. I suppose like everything else, you cannot control what happens in life. I only hope and pray that if I do get the chance to bring a child into this world that it is still a safe place.

8 November 2002

hissychick — Fri, 08 Nov 2002 05:20:40 +0000

It is so hot here today. Feel like I am walking around in a daze, my brain is liquid and I am on delay telecast. Have got to get out and find somewhere cool. Did a HPT this morning. Negative but then that was what I expected. I just wish this spotting and bleeding caper for ages before my period starts would just go away. Think I wil go get some Vitex agnus-castus and see if that helps. I don’t know if I am ever going to feel up to TTC ever again at this rate.

5 November 2002

hissychick — Tue, 05 Nov 2002 05:19:21 +0000

Hmm by the time I have managed to log on I’m too tired to write anything! I have bought a HPT just in case. I think I will every month. Even if I have a period (which it turns out I did with the ep- before I knew I was pg). It might be insane but I need the reassurance. Nuff said. Now if only the doctors would follow up on the brown spotting…..its been happening on and off since the heavier red splodge (descriptive huh?) I had on Tuesday arvo. It can’t be implantation …. I mean I have had the brown spotting both other cycles post op (and during the ep) but not this. I hope this isn’t the new normal. I hate this.