hissychick » Bitter TTC bitch

28 May 2004

hissychick — Fri, 28 May 2004 11:06:04 +0000

What a week. Tuesday I get the call..only one embryo has survived. After intial panic has worn off ring clinic and ask whether it is worthwhile proceeding with blast culture. Doctor agrees that it isn’t, transfer scheduled for next morning. Wednesday- transfer seven cell embie. DH is with me and we see the embryo on the screen, usual discomfort but over very quickly. Spend the rest of the day at my parent’s house. Tired, dazed, drained. Thursday- wake up in panic, stress headache won’t go away. Go for a drive to Richmond, manage to run into pole in car park (first time I have ever doen that). Car not badly damaged, I’m a bit shaken. Spend couple of hours in daze spending money aimlessly before heading home. In tears in the evening as I just feel so overwhelmed. Today- still can’t face work so feeling so strung out. DH has day off with me and we buy a new heater and have some lunch at a restaurant, however I manage to burst into tears in public for no reason and with no warning, but at least it was only once. I still feel so wierd and jittery. You know, I haven’t given much thought to the embryo I am carrying at all, I just feel so..drained yet agitated. It’s like all the adrenalin has gone. And in it’s place is a foggy headed me (i don’t feel like i can string any words together coherently, writing or speaking). I know I am depressed but i just don’t want to deal with it at the moment.

22 May 2004

hissychick — Sat, 22 May 2004 11:05:14 +0000

No more blood tests. Embies to be thawed on Tuesday for transfer Friday if one makes it. I don’t know why I can’t shake this black mood, I should be looking forward to doing the FET next week, right? But I just can’t seem to muster any enthusiasm, only sadness and fear alternating with resignation and the occasional flash of raw anger.

18 May 2004

hissychick — Tue, 18 May 2004 11:03:04 +0000

Ok I am going to start with one positive thing before I launch into what is becoming a bit of a regular theme in my diary, ie me depressed about not having a baby. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway…about a week and a half ago I got to meet Lucy (Elle) and her gorgeous little peach of a daughter Olivia as they were in sydvegas for a few days. Olivia is just the most beautiful little girl (that is saying something because I am not one of those people who thinks all babies are beautiful). And Lucy is just as lovely and amazing IRL as she has been first here on EB and then in our regular emails. We spent a fabulous afternoon across in Manly, just catching up over lunch and the ferry trips. When I see her with her little girl I am reminded why I should persist with TTC even though I am frighetened, disillusioned, depressed and scared. Even though I haven’t been on EB much lately I am very glad that it was because of EB I have met Lucy and Olivia.

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Now back to how I am feeling at the moment…black, blah and fed up. I cried during my U/S today, partly because it hurt a bit but mostly because it just hit me that I am back on the rollercoaster again. So many hurdles- getting to O, hoping the embies survive the thaw, hoping one survives the extra culturing to blastocyst, hoping it implants…and this in an ‘easy’ cycle. Which if it doesn’t work out, and i am convinced it won’t, means another stim cycle and all that entails. Must be the hormones after the clomid or something. Anyway…lining is good, estrogen coming along nicely, dominant follie is about 9mm so we have a while to go yet. Another blood test in the morning. Daily blood tests are such a joy. I just want a baby, not all of this crap.

2 May 2004

hissychick — Sun, 02 May 2004 11:01:54 +0000

CD 34 no hormonal alchemy in the boobs etc to let me know that AF is on her way. Unless my shitty mood counts. But then again, trying to stay all positive through this infertility journey simply wears thin at times. Stupid AF better turn up this week as it is time to get back on the rollercoaster. Oh joy…clomid to play havoc with my emotions, followed by waiting to see if my embies a) thaw and b) reach blastocyst stage. It’s going to do my head in. But not as much as having to do another stim cycle which I am sure will turn out to be the case. Because shit happens, the end…… I haven’t been posting on the boards of late, I just don’t feel I have many positive words of support to offer when I am in this type of headspace. You know, a bit bleak, a bit sarcastic, middle finger raised at the world to try and hide the fact that once again I am frightened by what’s ahead. Blah. I watched the report on the Sunday programme this morning about the “baby crisis”, you know, bad selfish career women delaying the whole baby gig and finding out that it gets a whole lot more difficult when they finally decide they want a little bundle of joy. I don’t know, women daring to actually want an education, what we should do is take ‘em out of school at 15 and pop them in the kitchen like the good old days. F*ck that. Not many words were mentioned about the blokes’ role in all of this. Why aren’t they committing to the idea of children at a youngish age? And are they aware that they too can have fertility problems? It’s one thing to take a group of twenty something women and give them the facts about the way fertility declines in your late twenties (something which is long overdue and should be emphasised to all women), but why aren’t they telling this stuff to men? To continue the cliche, ie blaming women for having babies/not having babies/fertility problems, next week’s installment is about IVF. What’s the bet the focus is on ‘older’ women and the challenges they face…. I am so pissed off. I am one of those dreadful university educated women with a decent career, yet I was going to be a mother at 26. I wanted that more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. But that was taken away from me along with a fallopian tube and now my DH and I are struggling with MF infertility and the heartbreak of IVF. Where is the Sunday programme about that? No….it’s far easier to blame women as a group for delaying motherhood rather than looking at the diversity of people who seek IVF treatment and realising that the decline in the number of babies in this country is not a black and white issue. I don’t know where I was going with that rant anymore. I am not even sure there was a cohesive line of thought in that one. Oh well, tough. It’s just one of those days…

1 April 2004

hissychick — Thu, 01 Apr 2004 10:58:13 +0000

I am so depressed tonight….and I feel both despondent and resigned. A BFN has never hurt so much before. Why do I have to wait so long for a baby I want so much?

28 February 2004

hissychick — Sat, 28 Feb 2004 10:53:03 +0000

Very early appointment tomorrow to pick up my injection ‘pen’. DH and I are both going to learn how to give the jabs. I’m terrified. The last two weeks haven’t been too bad- stuffing Synarel (I refer to it as my friend Cynthia) up my nose twice a day hasn’t caused a great deal of stress, although I have been a bit moody and I do feel a bit hot and bothered at night. Who knows whether it’s the stress, the hormone shutdown or if it was just PMS (I got my period on Friday)? I also went to one of the info nights run by our clinic last wednesday which was in theory reassurring….. …But now I can’t sleep. The enormity of what we are about to do has really hit home. Will we cope with IVF, and if we are successful will we cope with a baby? I was reading a pregnancy magazine this afternoon and I just started to panic about it all. I’m so tired. Tired because of lack of sleep, tired because of the emotional strain of ongoing TTC, an ectopic pregnancy and now IVF. I’m frightened of having to go through any more pain, both physical and emotional. I’m sick of living in dual worlds. If only those who see me as the slightly crazy outgoing girl with the warped sense of humour knew what I’m hiding. Thank god DH made me organise to take a flex with him for the day. Oh yuck- listen to me whinge. That’s as boring as batsh#t and far too self indulgent. Oh well at least it’s out and now I can stop being such a such a sook and just get on with it like everyone else has to. After all a bubs is worth it…I hope!

27 January 2004

hissychick — Tue, 27 Jan 2004 10:49:29 +0000

I haven’t written in so long….and even now the news isn’t good. DH and I went to the IVF clinic today to discuss our test results and treatment options. To cut a long story short, DH has a sperm antibody level of 80% and our only hope now is ICSI. We will start treatment in about three weeks. I just don’t know what to think. Our ectopic angel was a miracle, for us to be able to conceive agian naturally would take a miracle. Why wasn’t DH’s antibody levels tested much earlier than this? It’s not fair.

12 October 2003

hissychick — Sun, 12 Oct 2003 10:46:08 +0000

Well we did the deed around the right times and I dutifully took my cough medicine and even used some egg white on a couple of occasions. I am so over this whole baby making gig. So f*ck it- I’ve had a few drinks at the pub on both Friday and Saturday (hmmm 3-4DPO plus more than half a bottle of red..naughty naughty), I’ve used the KY during fertile times, I am happily onto my fifth cup of tea for the day. I am just so sick of waiting. I haven’t been checking in on the boards as much lately. I just don’t know whether I have any positive vibes for anyone at the moment and so I don’t think it’s fair that I bring others down. I just don’t feel like DH and I are ever going to see another BFP, let alone have a baby. At the same time I don’t want to indulge in self pity because let’s face it, in life sh*t happens and there are a hell of a lot of other people in this world dealing with a hell of a lot bigger piles of existential excrement than ours. Blah.

16 September 2003

hissychick — Tue, 16 Sep 2003 10:45:10 +0000

Well here I am 12DPO and have been spotting since 8DPO. Wow- a new record. Boobs aren’t sore, negative HPT at 9DPO. Today my temp started to drop. Now all I have to do is wait for the witch. Am I ever going to fall pregnant and have a baby? On a happier note DH and I had a lovely weekend away for our 2nd wedding anniversary. Even went quad biking across the sand dunes on Stockton beach (never again mind you as I am such a wuss). Just wish I could have given DH a BFP as a pressie. This whole baby making gig sucks.