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By hissychick | September 8, 2010
Allow me to put aside the kidlets for a post or two because I am about to have a bloody great big whinge.
It has been four years since I’ve last had my body to myself- and in some of that time I have been both pregnant and breastfeeding- and I’m completely. burnt. out.
Breastfeeding is proving to be challenging. Again. My littest ‘un is making it extremely difficult to achieve my goal of a minimum of twelve months of breastfeeding thanks to the fact that she will only feed at sleep time, wrapped and in the dark of the bedroom and has been this way for months. As if trying to fit life in around sleeps isn’t freaking hard enough (and something I have been dealing with for over five years now) I feel completely housebound by this arrangement. Little miss won’t feed when out, and won’t sleep without a prior feed, even though it is the dummy that she actually falls asleep with. My anxiety levels go through the roof. When we are out we are usually at least half an hour from home. You get the drift.
Don’t even get me started on the monthly breastfeeding strikes around the time of my period, and the several days of expressing to get it all back on track.
In spite of this I already feel guilty that I am not capable of considering feeding until two and beyond like I did with Evie because I truly believed she was my last baby.
The lack of sleep is getting to the stage where it is no longer tolerable. Immyjim still wakes in the night and ends up in bed with us because I am too bloody tired to resettle her in her cot but then I end up not getting quality shuteye thanks to the rolling and space hogging baby.
The net result is I am the snappiest most unenthusiastic mother I have ever been…and that’s saying something. I yell at the slightest non provocation. I am constantly irritated and always on edge. I am so unmotivated and feel almost disassociated from my husband and kidlets. I wonder where my sense of humour has gone. I am eating crap in an attempt to boost my energy levels and am now the fattest I have ever been. And for someone who was once on the brink of an eating disorder this is very confronting.
It’s revolting.
And although my rational brain knows some of the steps that I need to take to get out of this vicious circle (ie get baby to sleep in her own cot, probably even in her own room, consider- gasp- weaning, me time, exercise, meditation, a return to part time work blah blah fishpaste) I am too emotionally drained and guilty to know where to start.
Sorry for that internets, even I can’t handle the sound of my own whining. Don’t get me wrong, I adore my family and appreciate that I really do have a charmed first world life. I do however need to make some positive changes so that I feel more like myself again and can then be a much more positive and engaged mother and wife. Especially to my two oldest kidlets, both extremely bright, one very intense and who desperately need a calm and responsive mother who can meet their needs.
And here’s the dumb thing. If given the opportunity to add to our family (and it isn’t an option, but still) I would do it in a heartbeat. What is wrong with me?!
Topics: Going bogue, Hello fiend, Rage against the machine, hello i'm boring, hissyfit, moody blues | 5 Comments »
xxx
Posted by: Em on September 8th, 2010 at 5:42 pmOh Em.
I am so sorry you are in this shite place.
(It reminds me a lot of where I was when Lex was about 6 months old.)
My only practical advice would be that you need to walk.
30 mins a day, in the dark if needs be, alone, just with ipod.
Is that managable?
Fresh air. No kids. Time to self. Activation of useful hormones.
It will not fix Immijims sleeping/feeding, but may make it feel easier to cope?
Ring me if you need to. xx
Lucy’s last blog post..The F-word
Posted by: Lucy on September 8th, 2010 at 11:47 pmThanks girls.
Lucy you have suggested what the husband has suggested and my rational brain says you are so right. Just need to convince myself that the really tired post children into bed slump is the time to get up and at ‘em!
Posted by: hissychick on September 10th, 2010 at 11:20 amOn Em- why does what we want so much also make us not want it so much?
Perhaps try the walk- give yourself an incentive and make a strong alcoholic drink to suck on during the walk! ( j/k!) lol
Posted by: Simone on September 10th, 2010 at 3:54 pmSleep deprivation and cabin fever are the nastiest mindfuckers I swear. Been there, done that, have the puke on t-shirt and I don’t really have any advice. It gets better, but fuck it’s hard in the meantime.
I have booze?
Jenn’s last blog post..Windsong
Posted by: Jenn on September 11th, 2010 at 2:58 pm