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28 March 2003

By hissychick | March 23, 2003

I may as well stop being such a scaredy cat and admit that we are TTC again…. Last weekend I turned 27. It was a weekend of mixed emotions to say the least. We had a lovely BBQ on my actual birthday (Sat 22nd March) and it was so lovely to be able to share the day with close friends and family. DH went to a lot of effort to make the day special. I love him so much. Sunday was another story. We had to go to my grandmother’s 80th which was a buffet lunch at a hotel in North Ryde. To cut a long story short I found out that my cousin’s wife is pregnant. I spent the rest of the afternoon crying in the toilet. The worst thing is that all they seem to be worried about is how they are going to pay the mortgage. Don’t they realise how lucky they are to be able to have a child?! My sister was a bit shocked at my reaction and later asked me why I had reacted that way, given that I had just seen my friend’s wife who is six-seven months pregnant the day before. To be honest i hadn’t known I was going to react that way, but I guess the thing is that this pregnancy announcement was foisted on me without warning at a time which is very painful. I should have been celebrating my birthday with Nana and the rest of the family with a two week old baby… As time passes the pain gets worse not better. How do you explain this to people who haven’t been through this? Anyhow DH and I are having counselling, and we are sorting things out. One of the big issues that keeps coming up is my grief, and my fear that I won’t fall pregnant, and that I won’t feel as if we are a family until we have a child. Sometimes I think it would be easier just to reach for the happy pills again. Hmmm we are now approaching fertile time of the month but I don’t think it’s going to happen. Why? I have a tremendous workload to get through before we leave for our holiday in Melbourne…and a job interview for a permanent position. Coupled with the fact that I am stressed about my fertility and the fact that i have just had a really wierd period (3 days of dark spotting heavy enough to be a period followed by 4 days of normal red flow with cramps followed by another 4-5 days of dark spotting as well as intermittent cramps in my groin) and you have a vicious stress circle *sigh* Ok I want to put a positive spin on things now. DH and I really are getting along so much better and we really do love each other. We want to TTC and I guess this month is another chance at that much wanted baby. Ok so the stress is on this week but I may just get the job and with it the much needed permanent status, a pay rise and a less stressful workload. Plus the holiday may just make me relaxed enough to conceive. I may be scared about my fertility but it really is early days yet. There. Enough said :)

Topics: Infertile thoughts, Preblog diary, TTC | No Comments »

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