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13 December 2002

By hissychick | December 13, 2002

A bit tired and emotional today. Did a test this morning and as I suspected it was a BFN. I feel like AF is now on her way. About bloody time! To be honest I didn’t think it was going to happen. I mean I know what early pregnancy feels like and this isn’t it! I was a bit of a naughty girl and went out for drinks after work last night. It really surprised everyone as I pretty much always say no. I guess they aren’t to know why I haven’t felt like being all sociable and bubbly…although a few more know now- beer just makes me confess things I’m afraid :) It’s funny how people form impressions of what you are like. This lot tend to think I ma quite shy and conservative- if only they knew it wasn’t that long ago that I was a party girl! But things change when life starts dealing up a few challenges. I had a psychologists appointment today- my goodness I don’t know where I would be without her. She really helps me to challenge my way of thinking. Today we were discussing how I would feel about getting pregnant again. I discussed how it was an ongoing battle between my hopeful/spiritual/emotional side, my protective sacrcastic nature and the pessimism that tends to cloud my world view. She made me cry when she said that in a way, the little one that I lost did allow me to go through birth- the birth of hope and a desire to engage with life. What a truly beautiful revelation- something that i will be carrying with me and thinking of everytime I look up at my angel of hope. This little angel was the one I purchased from a furniture store. She is carrying a star and has little wind chines attached. Most significantly though is the world “hope” emblazoned on her chest. Out of all the angels there (love, peace, joy) it was this sentiment that resonated so deeply with me :) Well I really should be off to spend some time with DH- poor darling has put up with my narky mood and the fact that he can’t do a thing right today for a bit too long! Well I guess AF will arrive soon, and we will prepare for another cycle. Life is too precious to be disappointed that I am not pregnant right at this very instant. I fully intend to enjoy the ride and share the love :) Thank you little one for teaching me this………

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Ally- if you are reading this I just want you to know that I am thinking of you. Life throws us some really big challenges sometimes and somehow we seem to find the strength to face them. Take comfort in the love of those around you and joy in your beautiful little Ella. It is perfectly normal to feel a lot of fear at what you have to go through. However remember you are not alone and in that way half the battle has already been won :)

Topics: Preblog diary, TTC | No Comments »

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