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16 October 2002

By hissychick | October 16, 2002

Why is there such sadness and panic in my heart? I know that death is inevitable, but I am just so sacred that this is it- that I am never going to meet my angel baby or my grandad or see my nana again. That all we have is this short existence and then nothing. I am so terrified… I wish I had never ever trained as a scientist or I wouldn’t be feeling this way- the need for proof and evidence is what is hurting me so much. Science appears to be doing a damn good job of proving that there is nothing after death. That our personalities, emotions are just a result of some stupid chemical and electrical messages in our brain. And that there isn’t really a purpose to anything- it’s all just evolution by chance and the perpetuation of our genes…. Why can’t I just have faith? I am sliding down into a deep depression- I just know it. How can I even be considering bringing a child into this world when life is just so random and you never know when you’re going to go? Am I even fit to be a mother the way I am going on now? Am I going to spend the rest of my life just waiting for death? Why is my mind playing tricks on me- how could I have told my mother about my grandfather loving fish in spite of the fact that he died seven years before I was born and have no way of knowing that as no one has told me much about him at all? Well I am just finishing my second AF after the op- that must be why I feel this way. Too many hormones. That and the devastating news from Bali. I have no right to be going on with any of this….

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